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Original post: Pet Peeve #2: Tailgaters
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People should fuck with tailgaters more often. I’ve never made one hit me - I don’t fancy my odds of escaping without injury when some prick rams me on a highway in traffic. But I do like fucking with them.
25 mph on the freeway? No problem. You like to drive two feet behind my bumper, I’ll drive at a commensurate speed. And if I’m in a bad mood, I won’t let you pass, either. I’ll watch you in the rearview like a hawk, and the instant you move to pass I’ll open the throttle wide, or cross lanes in front of you, and you can stay the fuck behind me. Then I’ll slow down again, except now it’ll be 30 instead of 40.
Most of the people who tailgate are too stupid to realize that by having zero clearance, they make it virtually impossible to pass you in traffic. They’ll be back there screaming and waving their fists and hopefully about to expire from a stroke, while traffic streams past in the next lane. If they’d just back off a little, they could merge into the passing traffic and get by me -
Well, maybe they could; if they’ve really pissed me off I’ll still shut them down. But usually I lose interest after a while. Actually if they back off I’ll probably speed up - until the fool starts trying to diddle my tailpipe again.
The ultimate weapon for dealing with egregious tailgaters is that oldest and most useful of tools, the rock. A brick will also work, or, if you’re a pacifist, an apple or a grapefruit or the like. You have to be going at a pretty good speed - you need the wind to do most of your work for you, unless you have a passenger with a good throwing arm. The heavier your rock is, the harder you have to throw it - the idea is to give it enough upward velocity that it falls back down to windshield level at the right distance behind you. Remember that it needs to clear your own vehicle - if you have doubts about being able to do this, you should stick with fruit. Having a brick crash through your own rear window would be a bit embarrassing, and if it should fall between your vehicles you’ve just created a road hazard.
If traffic is too heavy to risk flying objects, or if you’re a wimp, you can still use this technique to discourage tailgaters. Just hold a brick out of your window and swerve a little to the right (or the left, if you live in a Wrong Lane Driving country) so the brick is dead in front of the tailgater’s eyes - and swing it like you are going to heave it down his throat. If this doesn’t persuade Asshole McPushy to back off a bit (or a lot), then he deserves a face full of masonry.
Of course, you should always carry a gun, in case you miss and McPushy turns out to also be a slow learner, forgets about being in a hurry, and does something rude like ram you or follow you around screaming for blood. But if you drive much someone is going to do that to you sooner or later anyway, and you should always carry a gun, unless you are one of those sissies that doesn’t believe in self defense. In that case, you should just do whatever the tailgating jerk wants. In fact, you should prepare to spend your entire life doing whatever any jerk that happens to notice you demands.
Oh, and next time you are in a hurry and are cuddling someone’s bumper at 80 mph because you really wish they would go even faster, remember - the wind is blowing 80 mph your way, and bricks are cheap.