VA: The Difference Between a Real Father and a Biological One
May 10th, 2007
(11 votes, average: 4.82 out of 5)
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I guess most people would have been happy to hear they had a Father who was alive and wanted to get to know them. But I wasn’t.
In my case, I […]
Original post: The Difference Between a Real Father and a Biological One
I’ve been reading violent acres for a while now. I agree with a lot of his/her philosophical and practical points, but unfortunately he/she is still a bit egotistical and feels that they can give out advice without taking in any themselves, much the way Buddhists do with their spiritual enlightenment. VA has reached a bit of intellectual enlightenment, alot actually. But he/she still has alot of inner pain they can’t learn to let go of. All the observations he/she makes about the world are mostly correct except that VA focuses more inwards instead of more outwards. None of us have all the answers after all. I’ve been this way for a while until recently when i had an intense spiritual rebirth and realized that instead of humans innately being a nihilist (buddhism and other inward eastern religions, whose nirvana is focusing on themselves), a dualist(judeo christian religions), whose nirvana is focusing on a so called “god”), or a polyist(hindus and other polythiest, who realize there are many aspects to us that manifest as many gods), we are more like the Monolists(nature worshipng religions such as wicca and animism, whose revelation is that everything .is connected somehow) ancestors and this modern capitalistic rat race has made us lose sight of that. That is not to say capitalism is wrong, but everyone needs to make mutually beneficial decisions while getting as much out of each transaction as possible and giving as much as they can back. Capitalism is NOT about dog eat dog, it is about dog feed dog feed dog feed dog feed dog, ad infinitum. The prevalence of online games and economies where people rule their worlds is a manifestation of this distortion of capitalism. We can use our innate knowledge of our bodies and nature, along with what we know about the world to make this place a better place to live for all if we just connect all of our philosophical, scientific, mathematical, and emotional ideas into one coherent body of knowledge.
And THAT is what the world needs to learn.
Peace and Good Vibes, Man.
-Demosthenes
P.S. I’d really like to talk to you if you’ll let me VA, drop me a line. I know you know how.
“I’ve been reading violent acres for a while now. I agree with a lot of his/her philosophical and practical points…”
If you had really been reading VA for a while, you’d know she’s a woman. Or a flaming man in a gay marriage.
Sucks that VA’s biodad is a douche, though.
unfortunately that’s the way people are these days - completely self centered - looking to be understood but not caring to understand. He apparently contacted you because he wanted you to validate him, be interested in him, admire him, appreciate him. It didn’t matter who you were, just so long as you could be all those things to him. He sounds like the product of a self-obsessed culture - you do what is best for YOU and then expect everyone around to applaud you for it. Nevermind who they are or what they need, you value people based on their ability to fill your own needs. Everyone is disposable when they stop fulfilling you. How sickening. I mean even though self-centeredness is a common sin of this generation, it’s still amazing that someone could take it to such an extreme to not even BEGIN to empathize with the fact that maybe it is hard to go through a childhood of horrific abuse, and to not even realize that as your father, he was in a unique position to help you. He sounds like a gigantic jackass, and if he couldn’t forget himself for just a MOMENT and think about what you need, then he never should have contacted you at all. All he did was just reopen wounds for you, needlessly.
Rough….
V, you’re really making me rethink my whole adoption search thing. I mean, it sounds like a real mess. I thought I’d like to meet my bioparents and maybe even my long lost sister… well half sister anyway, but now ummmm, I’m just perplexed. I guess I didn’t know what I was getting into. I hope you can find some semblance of happiness someday.
I suppose true happiness would be even better. Let me revise that last statement.
V, I hope you can find true happiness someday.
Henry Smith is a self-centered immature jerk. He’s one now so OBVIOUSLY, he was one when you were younger. It’s good that you wrote him off.
I hope your mother’s abuse-police stunt failed.
I also hope you don’t have any horror stories about your father because right now, he’s the hero in my eyes. ESPECIALLY after putting up with your mother’s crap.
How many times do various people from different backgrounds have to say that EVERYONE is self-centered by definition. It’s called human, even animal, nature. Denial is a bitch.
Only in extreme circumstances can self-centeredness be peeled from human nature… and even then, it’s questionable.
I don’t like to play this card, but it’s the closest thing to reality that I’ve ever experienced.
Even in serving any kind of god or deity, we are all serving ourselves. If anyone can name one person who was 100% selfless in their actions 100% of the time… you can have the prize. How can something like this even be proven?
Feel free to delete my above comments because I wholeheartedly admit that I have no idea what I’m talking about.
holy shit, v.
i remember you talking of your father being dead. i also just did a bunch of searches through your blog and can’t find an entry about a funeral or him being sick. and now you’re showing us that your memories and past are revealing different truths and lies…
if i missed something, my bad, but… did your father actually die or was that just another lie you were fed? another ‘memory’ your mother constructed for her own convenience?
it would be so nice if you could have your happy ending and you just hadn’t revealed it to us yet.
sassinator, I’m with you. That seems to be what the memories, especially the nighttime moving revelation, are foreshadowing.
But I seem to remember her mentioning in other posts that her dad was dead. So either she planned to tell this story all along and surprise us with her father still being alive, or there’s something else going on…like maybe he’s dead, but he didn’t die when she thought she did.
Hopefully something good comes out of all this, regardless.
This could probably be done a lot less dramatically but, I must say, I appreciate the effort.
A for effort.
Why would you want a story told less dramatically? Go read the NY Times.
Wow V, your mom really is one hell of a bitch. I don’t remember you telling us so much about how she abused you before, but uh yeah… forcing you to eat your own vomit?? That’s nuts.
But uh yeah… what do you think? Is this storytelling therapeutic for you? I hope so. You’ve got a new life now, a husband who loves you, and you never see your mother anymore (I hope). I hope you’re doing alright now, I don’t know how long ago that was for you, but I hope those mental scars no longer prevent you from being happy. Looking forward to the next installment.
@13
Alright… A+ for effort and A for drama.
As much as V’s account of her meeting up with “Henry Smith” is valid in the sense that SHE FEELS it was true, her memories are skewed and biased. His version is likely about a snotty self centered grown woman who used exaggerated stories of abuse to push him away and sabotage yet another relationship. In the end, the reality is somewhere in the middle.
I’ve read all of these postings until now, and liked what I see. A lot of it is 1 to 1 in comparison to my thoughts. And the way she writes makes me think she feels like she’s shouting “stop being stupid” to a deaf audience.
Stupidity is quite fashionable nowadays. A warning sticker in every possible item you can jab, shove, eat, or even move. That americanism is reaching us in Europe too. Scary. No brains required for living.
But I had to register and come to comment here: WTF?!
She had beautiful rantings about obvious issues!
Now she’s on some sort of childhood trauma trip? Posts like “Letter to a boy I love”, “Will I Write a Book”, “Long Lost Sister”, “Adoption and Biological Father”, and “Difference Between Biological and Real Father” - Why these? Where’s she going with this childhood trauma thing? The story of the boy who wanted to kill his father was still educational, but what’s the point in here?
Has she gotten soft? She needs sympathy now?
Where’s my tough hero? What can she give me now when she’s crying about her childhood without actually giving (knowingly or unknowinlgy) advices? The teenager runaway was still educational, too… But I don’t get this new development.
Is her angry-bag getting empty and replaced by sobby-bag?
I hope the point comes soon.
Myroid…how do we know V isn’t a man?? Just because she talks about her husband or do you know her or something? She said she changes the facts all the time, maybe “she” is a guy with a wife or something.
You’d think a parent who was confronted with such a nasty reality would want to STRANGLE the other parent responsible. I sure would.
Obviously he doesn’t really care about V that much and is a flake by nature (his own irresponsible past seems to verify this). His primary motivation for tracking her down was because he wanted to feel validated by a long-lost child whom he essentially abandoned. Perhaps he was hoping to alleviate some feelings of guilt? Sure, at the time he thought he was doing the responsible thing, but cutting your own offspring out of your life because you were too screwed up to be a good parent (especially when you know you’re leaving them with an unstable mother) has GOT to cause any decent human being some sort of regret.
When he heard about the abuse, he was confronted with his ultimate fear - the reality that he really DID fail his daughter. Badly. It was too much for him to face his own screw-up, and he reacted in cowardice.
He went to see her not for her sake, but for his own. And it didn’t work out the way he had hoped.
I don’t know why, but I’m starting to think maybe V’s mom had a lot to do with her adoptive father’s disappearance/death. If so, I can only hope V is just withholding information for suspense’s sake and it turns out her mom eventually died in a fire or V won a hard-fought court battle against her and she is currently serving 20 life terms in a federal penitentary.
@16
Because two people might disagree on how something played out it means the reality is somewhere in the middle? That’s some pretty retarded logic.
my comment above…I realize the “you”s got a little vague…at first by “you” I meant YOU, V…halfway through I switched to “you” as people in general…I am accusing people in general of treating others as disposable when they stop fulfilling you - I didn’t mean YOU you, it was a criticism of Henry Smith and the greater culture he fits into.
sorry for the confusing phrasing
and wow, some of these comments are harsh. I’m amazed by people who presume to understand how a person should feel after a childhood of horrific abuse, finally contacted by their biological parent. Bottom line is we can’t judge, we can only feel grateful she still trusts us with her personal story, even after how judgemental half of these comments seem to be.
Is it not judgmental to say half of the comments seem to be judgmental? Just wondering?
Or, does it just seem judgmental to say half the comments seem to be judgmental?
No “Y”, It’s called truth, but thanks for playing.
Person 1: The sky is blue.
Person 2: Bullshit, the sky is red.
By your logic, the sky is purple.
I’ve seen all three…
Holy shit Myroid, are you fucking kidding?
Are your lips so permanently attached to V’s ass that you believe that her memories are 100% accurate and there is NO possibility of skewed bias?
Just a second pablo… you have to admit the sky, at times, appears to be blue, red and purple as well as orange and yellow. I haven’t seen a green sky, but don’t get down on V or Myroid for making observations. V is 100% correct in saying “people see what they want to see.” Is she not?
Though… there’s always a possibility of a skewed bias.
@1
Good Observation!
Pablo, how can you have a skewed, biased memory of someone breaking plates over your knuckles if you have the scars to prove it?
Heh…
This starts to resemble of Life Of Brian, where Brian was running from Romans and ended up on a podium. You know, where he started to talk something like “There was man with two sons…” and audience was asking questions “Oh, and what were their names?”
Who cares if V is a man, a woman, an androgyne, an alien or a bot written by 23 Polish nerds?
It’s the stories she tells, not the fine details. The details are irrelevant to the point.
I understand (or overstand) the point, no matter what color she writes her wallpapers were at the time.
Myroid,
My comments were about her perspective of her interactions with “Henry Smith” and her interpretations of his motivations or even the account of his words and reactions to hearing about her abuse. ‘em is right, people hear what they want to hear and V said herself that she was not eager to create a bond with the guy.
But, as far as plates and scars on knuckles, I can tell you as a someone whose career is working with “troubled teens” in programs, schools, treatment centers etc. that things like that CAN (not always, but can) be skewed and biased. Kids whose life has included abuse, abandonment and neglect will often interpret things very differently. For example: you are doing the dishes I bring some more over and the top two plates slip off the top of the stack land on your hands and break. A kid already abused will often believe that that I did it on purpose and it was intentional abuse.
I am not saying that V didn’t have dishes broken on her hands, but I have also seen innocent occurrences interpreted as abusive because of real abuses in other aspects of the kids life. The most damaging part of physical abuse is the psychological way it fucks up the way you interpret peoples actions for the rest of your life.
i’m going to hazzard a guess that he became an alcoholic because he subconsciously knew V was going to be abused.
and that at that time, he realized he failed his daughter. so he did what all weak humans do when they fail miserably, he repressed it.
so people should stop assuming that his motivation for his actions are that he’s self-centered and wants to be validated. that’s what he’s feeling, but people should look deeper, to try to find a reason for being self-centered. it’s not human nature.
I know you’ll probably never answer the question I’m about to ask, but maybe someone who has read your blog may be able to answer the question for me. The question is, Why did your mother hate you so much? It just………doesn’t make sense. You stated that your mother never hurt your little brother, only that the one asshole she dated used him as a punching bag. I know the question probably sounds stupid to you, but I sometimes try to make sense out of things that are senseless. Maybe I’m trying too hard to figure out why your mother would hate you so much. Or maybe there IS no reason for her hatred of you, except maybe because she had no conscience. I do believe that if your biological father had kept custody of you, things may have turned out a lot different, but your stepfather seemed like a top-notch kind of a guy. It’s too bad he died when you were at such a young age. It seems like he was a buffer between you and your mother.