That’s not what I want and if anyone says that better is not possible and I just have to capitulate to the roller coaster filled with peaks and valleys, then the question is: why marry at all? To me, the marriage that is not a beacon of blissful stability, but a rollercoaster with ups and downs, is a perversion! What is this marriage with peaks and valleys: where one day your wife tells you how much she loves you and swears eternal love and compassion, then the next day she complains about your bad smell, your uncombed hair, your clothes, that you don’t earn enough income and petty bullshit like that. I’d go insane in such a marriage! There’s no love in there: just hypocrisy and greed. Is there no room for unconditional love at all??? If there isn’t then it shows that marriage is an institution that deserves to die. Tough, I know, but I don’t believe in suffering or balls and chains if I can be free ‘n easy.

I have NEVER said you must work hard to find the right partner. In fact, I believe that finding the right partner often depends on dumb luck. Most people who live in a happy blissful marriage are just extremely lucky.

Regarding that man still in search for his partner, yes I do believe that he’s been together with wrong persons. It’s a shame he has to have kids with all the women he experiments with (having kids with an incompatible partner is something I strongly discourage) but at the same time I sympathize with his yearning. It’s highly likely he has been disappointed in most of his former partners because our society strongly discourages the manifestation of authentic self and manipulates us into pretending to be someone we’re not.

Many of us often pretend to be someone else, and it’s highly likely his former partners weren’t true enough to themselves and pretended compatibility. That’s another reason why incompatible people often get together. The unrealistic expectation may be that incompatible people are compatible. They often aren’t. You can’t alter your natural ways to suit someone else’s ways. If you’re unhappy in a relationship, then forget about trying to “save your marriage” or “liven up your lovelife”. What most unhappy couples fail to realize is that they’re not happy because they don’t suit each other.

Most online resources that I’ve checked about the maintenance of marital relationship always state that marriage must require work and herculean amount of self-giving in order to work, but nobody ever mentions a single word about compatibility. No-one! But why? Are people so certain that compatibility can be worked on? Sadly, the very idea that partners will one day suit each other perfectly has not been backed up by any solid evidence.

Regarding time alone: I don’t think I buy into the theory that “absence makes the hearts grow fonder”. From what I’ve read, some studies have shown that long distance relationships (where one partner is frequently, mostly due to work, away from the other) are more prone to dissolving. I don’t think we can use a fictional movie plot to underline truth, especially when it may be ripe with exaggeration or distortion. But still: I actually believe that challenging oneself to be together with your partner for some period of time: like a month in a row, can be a good way to detect if you’re compatible with your partner.

Also important is the sexual compatibility. In addition to the sex stuff working out just fine, a foolproof way is to smell your partner’s natural body odor! If you think that your partner stinks when he’s a bit sweaty, then it means he’s a wrong person for you! The odor of sweat doesn’t have to be repulsive, contrary to popular opinion. The natural body odor can actually smell tolerable, or even good, for the compatible partners. Of course, it is important to wash yourself, but since we can’t hold back sweating despite what the deodorant/perfume commercials tell us (because that’s just how metabolism works), we might as well accept it!

But fine. Let’s assume that I am indeed terribly mistaken and nothing that I’ve said so far holds any merit whatsoever and that marriage is indeed a terrible chore and that people need privacy no matter how fine their partners are. Then why marry at all??????

Yes, you heard right. Why marry at all? I see no point in getting married at all when there’s never someone to be found who is 100% compatible with me. If all womanhood is incompatible with me without a single exception, then forming relationships is essentially worthless and pointless. I’ve already decided to say no to marriage until I find the compatible one for me. But if it turns out that it’s so pointless to even hope for the (not perfect per se, but rather) perfectly compatible partner, then this means that all long term commitment is a hopeless, futile dread. If marriage or long term commitment fails to make us happy or fulfill all of our needs, then it shows that marriage does not pay off in any respect, that marriage is indeed a prison, replete with ball and chain. Unhappy marriage is slavery! What is usually called “love” is in fact a mix of hypocrisy and greed. If a partner only commits to me because of greedy, hypocritical motives, then I feel that I’m used. And I don’t want to use another person for selfish gain. Ergo, marriage as an institution deserves to die! At least if it sabotages genuine love or genuine love does not really exist. Could it be that marriage is in fact a trap?

http://nomarriage.com/index.shtml
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3080858/
http://ezinearticles.com/?Why-Marriage-is-Bad-for-Men&id=932110
http://www.ejfi.org/Civilization/Civilization-11.htm

Some people can spend all of their time with their partner and not need a break. That’s fine.

However, for most people, whilst spending time with their partner is a joy, they need time for themselves to pursue their interests, to do what they want to do, or even just have a break from contantly being around somebody. To be by themselves.

You may find the woman who you can fully express yourself around, however, even if you do so, you’ll probably need some time apart from her to think and stuff. Like you need to sleep to heal and allow your brain to sort through the days activities, you’ll need time apart from your loved one so you can think, read, or whatever it is you do. So you can sort out things in your mind without having to talk to another person about it.

But I expect you’ll not believe this and will have a terrible shock when you finally meet that woman. Unrealistic expectations are one of the major causes of marriage failure. Keep that in mind.

As for introversion, I too am introverted. I find it difficult to communicate with most people. But with other types I get a fairly good click and could speak for hours! Besides, it’s likely that most introverts could be more extroverted in some types of situations. Ergo, I’m fairly certain once I meet the right partner for me, she’ll bring out the more extroverted me. Because I’d feel free to express myself completely when she’d be around, instead of being more secretive and aloof like I usually am.

From what I read, your marriage is not a disastrous one and you two get along quite nicely and are compatible to a degree. Still, I’m out to see if there is more to love than just that.

Eh, lol.

I should’ve probably mentioned that I am 41, have two teenage kids and we will celebrate our 17th anniversary shortly. “Meeting friends and get drunk”, heh heh. Anyway.

Why do I like doing my own thing? Because I’m an introvert, plain and simple. There are people who can live vicariously through their partner. And then there are people like me. I can imagine there are a lot of us out there, V being a prime example. And by “my own thing”, I don’t mean getting drunk with friends, (this is actually something we are very happy doing as a couple) but pursuing own interests/hobbies, things like, oh I don’t know, this blog we’re both commenting on. Why did V go into an office, close the door, and spend I’m guessing an hour or so writing this post, when she could’ve spent that valuable time spooning with her husband? Because she needs her own creative release, probably. All of the above doesn’t mean that I (or V for that matter) haven’t found the right partner, it means that a certain type of people is not right for me, but luckily, I’m not married to any of those guys. Yay.

Thanks for your thoughts. I respect your opinions, but I’m not sure I agree with them. First, I never said I wished for a perfect partner: but rather someone who is the most compatible with me. If your partner is compatible with you, then everything becomes easy and that one person could fulfill all your needs. If you’re not compatible, then everything becomes a power/ego struggle.

The reason I found VA’s essay problematic was that she described how to cope with an unhappy marriage, or at least whatever unhappiness occurs in marriage. But the question is not how to cope with an unhappy marriage, but rather, how to find the right partner to have a happy marriage with?

But why do you find it so hard to be together with your partner all the time? What drives you away from your spouse into “doing your own thing”? To me it’s a sign that you’re not compatible with each other. You probably don’t even love your partner. Yes, you like him, you admire him and you respect him and I suppose the sex is okay too, but what is absent is the feeling as described by Tom Petty in his song “Waiting”: “You’re the only one that’s ever known how to make me want to live like I want to live.” It’s likely you haven’t found your right partner yet. Usually before people find the compatible, right partner for them, they could not imagine that they could live without partying, shopping, meeting friends and get drunk and the other stuff. Two friends of mine are a happily married couple who, the second they realized they were right for each other, quit smoking, drinking and partying hard for good. Because they realized the truth: all of this shit is only good for relieving stress and anxieties that usually derive from an unhappy relationship. And they’ve been together all the time. And they love it.

And why do you think that people change in their early life? What does alter, beyond the accumulation of experience and skills? I believe that everything that comes with your DNA remains the same throughout the lifetime. It’s on the grassroots level: whether you like your partner’s natural body odor, his talents, his sense of humor, his temperament. I strongly believe that all discussion regarding happiness should get down to the grassroots level. Goldie, you’ve described how you’ve tried to build a happy marriage in terms of mind. But love is also about trusting your body, that is your gut feeling and instincts that often tell you the truth even better than the “genial” mind in its contrived “conventional wisdom”. The very idea: “marriage is a series of peaks and valleys”, strikes me as contrived and phony. It’s appealing intellectually, but I trust my body that craves for a feeling of blissful pleasure derived from being together with a partner who genuinely loves you!

Marriage is a good thing? It’s only a good thing when you have a compatible partner. Otherwise, it’s better to be single, no matter how boring or shitty it may seem. It far outshines the prospect of an unhappy marriage. There’s no point in raising kids if the parents are stressed-out, they bicker and fight with each other. Most kids resort to violence and rebellion because of dissatisfaction with their parents. But why would any child want to rebel if (s)he’s born into a family where the child’s parents are compatible with each other: who don’t fight nor bicker, whose eyes are shining and who are smiling happily and who encourage everything their children do? Staying in an unhappy marriage “just for the kids” is overrated and detrimental. Raising kids requires a happy marriage. Don’t get fooled into anything less than that.

As to V’s post. Again I agree to an extent. Marriage is a series of compromises and there is always work involved. However, there is a line and once you cross it, there is no going back. Once certain things have been said or done, you may continue staying together, but you will never have a truly good marriage because some things are impossible to forget.

What I liked in V’s post especially is the space she and her husband give each other, the respect they have for each other’s privacy. Although this, again, is a matter of discussion before the knot is tied. I know people who think they should go through their married life as a pair of siamese twins joined at the hip. If their spouse thinks the same, well they have the makings of a good marriage. Personally I’d kill myself after a week. I am fortunate that Mr. Goldie and myself require roughly the same level of privacy. I sure as heck don’t remember discussing it with him, so I guess we got lucky.

And finally. When V says that people do not change, I agree, but again to an extent. After a certain age, I agree completely, people do not change. But a person in their late teens or early twenties can change in thousands of different ways. I am a completely different person now than I was at 18, 20, or 22. What I’m saying here is marrying early=risky. Marrying your high school sweetheart=risky. College sweetheart, same thing. If I could do it again, I sure as heck would not have done it in such a hurry.

That said, marriage is a good thing; living alone gets boring very quickly and raising kids together is one of the most awesome things in life. You just have to be very careful.

Yes, life IS a series of peaks and valleys. Is marriage by logic too? Only the marriage with a wrong person maybe. But why should marriage be an exception? But if life is a series of peaks and valleys, then you need to feel secure and have a feeling that you can cope with the valleys of life, when you’re backed by a loving partner who really loves you as you are and whose presence brings you genuine joy, instead of making you want to drift into doing your own thing. When you want to drift into doing your own thing, it’s a sign that you are together with a wrong person and you are not happy in your relationship.

Love is a feeling that should give you wings, in ideal relationship you’d be both deeply committed to a partner as well as free to be yourself. It’s a paradox, I know. But i don’t think it’s impossible. If it is, then why marry at all? If you can’t have the perfect secure bliss all the time, and marriages always hit the valley, then there’s no point in marrying at all. I don’t want to be together with an incompatible person. I’d rather live alone for my entire life, maybe occasionally getting into short term dalliances. I don’t believe in contrived efforts to please another human being and bending my will according to someone’s whims. This kind of relationship is a trap and I’m hell bent on avoiding it. I may never find the right woman for me, but at least I’m not going to mess around with a wrong one.

Here’s an interesting rebuttal for VA’s post that’s pretty much in the same spirit as my own comment.

http://innojairja.blogspot.com/2008/05/what-is-love.html