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I’m walking down the isle of a large, bright grocery store. I’m not paying much attention to my surroundings. Instead, I’m staring intently at my list. I decide to start […]
Original post: It’s in the Genes
well i’m sufficiently depressed
V, I sense that you’re doing the same thing this Amanda character is doing. You want people here to assure you that you *are* different, so as to console your ego or whatever. Or perhaps you’re just pulling some reverse psychology on yourself to achieve the same end. Or you’re relapsing back to your emo-state. Whatever you’re doing, please cease this sillyness immediately.
Interesting read, one thing though: was it just me or was the grammar in this passage a bit off?
Somehow I don’t think V exactly lives for the consolation of random internet people.
The main problem is the eternal question of responsibility. How much should one person be responsible for the well-being of those around them? How much CAN one person be responsible?
I think V is being a bit egocentric to think she really could have changed all their lives that much. Nobody should bear that responsibility.
At the same time, I do think it’s good that she HAS those feelings of responsibility. There are far too many people in this world that just cut themselves off from their community and bear no responsibility for them.
So, V, if you’re reading this… Cut it the hell out. You didn’t push them down in your climb to get your life figured out. And if it really bugs you so much, then get yourself involved NOW. Help Amanda to be a better parent… Offer to baby-sit… Do what you can now that you actually have the means to do so. Wallowing in your past “mistakes” doesn’t do anybody any good.
V definitely wasn’t responsible for how initially fucked up these tots were, nor did she “step on them” to get to where she is. There is only so much one can do to help people in that type of life and she tried to show them there was a better life which she once experienced, but which they never did. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink, they say. Same thing. It’s a shame but that’s the way it is.
Oh, and V, cut this sulking shit out right fucking now.
Completely agree with Chris and keronian. You can’t blame yourself for the choices other people make, otherwise you’ll end up an emotional wreck. You got yourself out, but as I see it, you didn’t harm anyone else in the process (except perhaps for Derrick), nor did you force them to stay there. If anything, I think you provided them with an example, showing them that it is possible to live a better life for yourself. It’s good that you care, but recognize your limitations.
V:
You credit your 7 years of decent upbringing as the reason you did well. I think you think this knowledge is the only reason you were able to slip out of the life you had.
Wrong. I know a woman very like you, the ex-member of a fuuuuked up childhood experience. But the first 7 years of her life weren’t decent- they were mostly characterized by severe physical neglect and the murder of a friend of hers. Then she was delivered to a slightly better physical existence at the hands of her stepmother, who was also the most paranoid controlling bitch I’ve ever heard of outside your stories.
She got out. She got out V, without a father to hero worship or believe in her. You care about people, so I want you to know this. People are more that just the sum of their childhoods. People have their own choices to make. Some people choose the familiar. Some don’t.
Tonight, when I pour myself a drink, I will know the truth. Although I may be sitting in a much more comfortable chair, I will know that I am no different from the people who I thought I had to escape.
I am no different.
@3
Grammar was fine depending on how you read…
Time to get cold and hard, V. You climbed out; that’s what makes you different. Sucks to say it, but if you are above average and have some ambition, you get out and leave people behind. It sounds to me like you have survivor’s guilt.
Time to open up and figure out what it would take to make you truly happy. If you don’t want to be happy, you won’t be. If you do… you will….
This is a classic tale of two female narcissts.
V, I am sure you, the ulitmate female, the greatest woman in the world could have overcome all of these children’s problems (the genes, the enviornment, their parents) because we all know you singlehandedly are Superwoman. But you failed, and it was all because Jacob, a young man, was your Krytonite. So you feel badly and look to blame someone else for your feelings and find a young man. Typical woman.
Here is something that all you women need to put in your feminist pipe and smoke: Your feelings are your problem. The one thing a person always has the power to do is change how they feel about something or someone. Blaming Jacob for your guilt is pathetic.
The truth is V that you would not have made one iota of difference had you stayed in that enviornment not one.
And Amanda says that she could never leave her family and friends behind, and you bought it? You couldn’t see that she would give her right arm to change places with you. That the only revenge she has, the only way she can live with herself, is for you to feel guilty about your success, and you bought it because of your narcissm.
You wrote, “But, in clawing my way out of that pit, stepping on anyone and everyone who got in my way, oblivious to anyone’s needs but my own, how am I different again? ”
Your clawing, your stepping worked. Amanda’s did not. You are a succesful narcisst, and she isn’t. That and only that is what is different between the two of you.
In an ideal world, you would work out of your guilt by helping Amanda et al. now, and Amanda et. al would work to emulate you and improve their conditions. In reality, you women are so f–king catty you can only put one another down: one with money and the other with gult.
So seriously V, is the issue your guilt or the conditions of those other kids/young adults? My money is on the former, and in one month’s time, I bet nothing will change. Save the sexist outrage and prove my stereotypes wrong.
> Instead, she needs me to listen to her and approve of her because there is no going back now. She needs me to hide the pity in my eyes and the judgment on my face lest she think it’s her I’m judging and not the bitch who failed to raise her.
>
Shouldn’t it be her you’re judging? And isn’t it? You made the choice to get out, to better yourself, and she didn’t. She chose to stay there.
This is not nearly at the same level, but I used to have a problem with relationships where I’d go out with somebody just because they wanted me without any thought of whether I wanted them. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong until I got into a really fucked up relationship and got my heart completely obliterated. That’s when I stood up and said, I’m not going to do this any more. A couple years of struggle (and a move 3 hours away) later and I have a great relationship with the sweetest guy who I’m totally attracted to. It was 2 years in January.
I wouldn’t have this if I hadn’t made the very conscious decision to change my way of thinking and therefore my behavior. I got out of the social circles where I found my crappy relationships. I didn’t do this because I knew differently from earlier in my life. I did it because I wasn’t happy where I was.
Everyone has the choice to do what they want with their lives and not to fuck themselves sideways. She may not know of another way of life from experience, but somewhere in her head she knows that not everybody lives the way she does, that some people have money and property and happiness. If she chooses not to think about it too hard, that’s her loss and her disgrace.
Maybe what she wanted was to hear that she’s doing fine, but that’s not anywhere near what she needed.
> “Because you can’t,” I tell her, “You can’t keep in touch with anyone. If you stay around them, you’ll become them. You’ve got to get away.”
I know I’m not making sense, but she looks at me like she understands what I’m getting at.
>
She does understand, because you did make sense. When I lived in the Rio Grande Valley in Texas, everybody talked about how you had to get out of the Valley or you’d be in the same poverty as everyone else, your whole life. Everybody knows that if you stay where you are you’ll become what’s there. She knows it too, but her response shows she considers herself not deserving of happiness — she thinks it’s better to live in poverty with her friends and family than to make a decent life for herself without the people that hold her back.
She’s not strong enough to break free. And wallowing in the same shit as everybody else doesn’t make her a good person.
>
But, in clawing my way out of that pit, stepping on anyone and everyone who got in my way, oblivious to anyone’s needs but my own, how am I different again? How is abandoning little children who needed me and looked up to me any less selfish and evil than what their parents did to them?
>
How does their inability to do what’s right for themselves and their children make YOU a bad person for doing what was NECESSARY to make a decent life for yourself? How did you step on them to get to where you are? You left them, they see now that you moved on to something better, but did you tell them they couldn’t leave? Did you tell them they weren’t worth it or that they’d never be any better than their parents? Did you do or say anything to indicate that they couldn’t leave just like you did?
Maybe some other kid hears what you did for yourself and realizes that if you got out of there then they can too. If you didn’t do it they’d have no model and they’d be stuck there thinking nobody gets out.
You are very different from the people you left behind. You made a conscious choice to get yourself out of a shitty situation. They don’t have the presence of mind, or the balls, to do that.
Doc… what are you trying to achieve here? Just askin’…. I can’t berate you because obviously you’ve had your own experiences, BUT… your generalizations are a bit, may I say, harsh and rude to say the least. Oh, I forgot. I am one of those “manginas” that doesn’t unserstand “anything” in your words. Please explain. I’ve yet to hear a good explanation of that assertion. Just sayin’.
@13… do you really think there are “great” differences between individual people? We are all made of the same basic materials…. Are we not? Different behaviors, likes, dislikes are one thing, but individualism is, in my humble opinion, more of an illusion or misunderstanding than an objective reality.
We have been brainwashed to think we are each “completely” unique individuals, but when it comes down to it… we are of the same “hive” mentality. WORLDWIDE. Human nature is and always will be human nature.
I like Jakob:)
Anywais, I disagree with no15. Even though we are similar, we can never know how any other person feels or thinks or percievs the World, therefore we are each on our own and therefore we can objectively feel unique.
V, even though it may look like it, you were not really their parents, and i know the moral duty was there, but you couldn’t forsake your own life for the good of theirs. At one moment in time, you had no choice but to move on and start over. Don’t accuse yourself that you’re no different, had you never interfered, God knows if those children would have even survived till now.
@Reflex, [Sorry, I’ve been lurking a while and I needed to put my two cents in] sure, doc was a bit… brash… but his reaction is valuable. He does have a point. And besides, if every comment were an “Omg pat pat console” type deal, there would be nothing good to argue about.
I would have offered to spend some time with her. If you feel so bad about leaving them, V, maybe that’d do you some good. Help out with the kids, explain what happened when you left, etc. It would be a nice gesture, anyway.
On airplanes they say to place the oxygen mask on your face before your children’s. If you’re passed out, you’re not doing anyone any good.
Save yourself to save others.
From a story point of view this would be the perfect place to stop. Everything from now on will be “yes but” or “oh and”.
Everyone else here has covered the major points….. it’s not too late to invest in these people and help them break the cycle, and unless you are in good shape you can’t help someone else. The story of all those kids you used to know is only a closed book if you choose for it to be…. and it sure beats donating to some anonymous charity with a far away goal that you have no real contact with.
Viola,
I agree, I’m not trying to berate doc. I’ve tried to make that clear. I’m not trying judge the value of docs reactions, and I’m certainly not asking for the doc to stop the comments.
I’m also not saying we are all exactly the same. That’s obviously not the case. We each have an individual consciousness, but our similarities are sometimes, if not often, disregarded to the detriment of all… to benefit the individual. Necessary? Maybe. But placing too much emphasis on the “individual,” while denying our similarities, can lead to deep misunderstanding between groups of people who may not really be that different.
There are thousands of years of history of people who leave behind their homes and families for better lives. Many of them go back to do what they can. Keronian is right - and so are u. You are no different, in that you had the same difficult childhood. But u made good and u can make amends (without judgment!) not to make u feel better about yourself, but to prove to yourself that u are not afraid to face your past. U wrote a very - shall we say - strong piece about silly women who have babies without thinking, didnt u? U are afraid to voice your sometimes spot-on judgments to your friends - maybe u shldnt. THe question is, who is the real u? The cantankerous persona behind your blog who isnt afraid of telling it like it is - but only to people who dont know who u are - or a cantankerous person who isn’t afraid of telling it like it is, period?
“I am no different.”
You are no different, except for:
“I have more money. I have more time to myself. I have an education.”
Now, what you do with those is your choice.