VA: A Modern Day Convenience? Or Raping Your Friends for Fun and Profit? Examining the Intricacies of Gift Registries and Amazon Wish Lists
May 28th, 2008
(20 votes, average: 3.5 out of 5)
Loading ...The invitation read:
Hey everyone! Jacob is turning 4! So let’s break out the crabby patties and have a party!
Where: [deleted]
When: [deleted]
Please RSVP: [deleted]
Gift ideas include: Construction toys, dinosaurs, and toy […]
Original post: A Modern Day Convenience? Or Raping Your Friends for Fun and Profit? Examining the Intricacies of Gift Registries and Amazon Wish Lists
Let me assure you it doesn’t just happen in the States - Australia as well. My brother and his now wife only wanted a small wedding, so they had a huge engagement party with a separate gift registry. So extensive was this list that many of the guests thought they were actually attending a ’surprise’ wedding. Needless to say those who attended the actual wedding had to cough up a second gift.
Lol Grumpy I was gonna say the same about Australia - it is not immune to the Gimme Bug!! Like V, I love giving gifts for the sake of giving them and I kind of resent having to buy from a list. It kills any creativity and all enjoyment and, I mean, how thoughtful can you be about picking a number off a list of wants??
I was about to say this doesn’t happen in Australia-only because not once in my life have I ever been invited/heard of someone having a baby shower-I assumed it was an American-only thing. I have been to engagement parties etc but they never expect a gift either. Maybe its the part of Aust that I live in where no one wants wants wants!
Any post that ends with “fuck you all” is a winner in my book!
I agree with the post as a whole, but I disagree that everyone ‘my age’ wouldn’t feel guilty about that.
I would never, EVER even consider doing something so incredibly shitty to someone else, much less my own friend. And honestly I feel bad for people who get treated badly.
But then again, by V’s standards I “contribute” to society. Somehow most people think that people under thirty don’t volunteer or try to make a difference.
Okay, off soapbox now.
weddings especially suck for bridesmaids, who not only have to put on the bridal shower/ bachelorette party with their own dime, but also buy gifts for the bride for both events (plus the wedding gift).
And annoyingly enough, it is considered rude to specify “no gifts” on an invite. Because that assumes gifts were forthcoming. Which is stupid, because come on - rightly or wrongly, people assume they will get gifts for weddings and birthdays and such. It is so expected that someone who fails to get a gift would be considered the rude one.
My husband and I ran into this issue when we got married. It was my second wedding, and we were both long out of out parent’s houses, so we didn’t need or want a thing - but our respective families were HORRIFIED that we wanted to say “no gifts”, it was the rudest thing they’d ever heard! So we compromised by registering at Target for very cheap, small items like toilet paper and such, and also passed it along the grapevine that not getting us a gift was absolutely fine.
Baby showers, I can see, if it’s the first one. Babies are expensive, so it makes sense that friends and family would pitch in to set the mom up with all the onesies and diapers she will need. It’s only tacky when showers are also thrown for subsequent children, or when the shower becomes a big-ticket item grab. I have no problem with showering the expectant with basics, though.
Considering all of the above wedding related remarks, I would think my friends and family would be happy that my long-term bf (12 years) and I chose not to get married. Bridesmaids have to buy the bride two gifts on top of the crappy expensive dress, shoes and accessories for the actual event? Fuck that. Why do women get excited when they are asked to do all this?
Hey, this time it’s quick to comment on this one. It’s already ready:
http://www.violentacrestalk.com/va-fuck-the-cheerleader-buy-a-gift-card-save-the-world/#comment-7957
I’m torn on this one because I have been tempted to start an Amazon gift registry for my toddler. Not because I want people to shower her with stuff, but because family members (out of state) are constantly bombarding me…WHAT DOES THE BABY NEED? Because they want to buy her shit. And no, saying “she’s one, she doesn’t need anything” is not a viable option. Then I just get more toys she won’t play with. The idea of forwarding people a link to a list of books or movies she would like seems nice. Sometimes it’s not about soliciting gifts but trying to gently guide people who are going to spend their money no matter what you do towards appropriate gifts.
I still make christmas lists for my parents. I am 28 years old.
:-D
Three parties? That’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard. And I felt greedy just because I had two Christmases as a child… One with my dad and one with my mom, since they don’t live together.
Wow, I’ve now heard of two couples with gift registries for engagement parties. Can we be greedier? Wedding gifts are bad enough, but gifts for getting engaged? Please. What if the marriage never happens (as in the case of the greedy folk I once knew)? Then you’ve given some greedy bastard a free gift for no reason, and you can’t pay your phone bill. I hate everyone.
I AM A CONSUMER WHORE.
V? huh? Whaddaya think?
I think V should tell us what she really thinks, just for a change :)
I agree with this, but i feel Australia isn’t as bad as what was mentioned in this post.
That said though, i’m attending a 1st birthday party this weekend and have no idea to buy, and even tossing up whether to buy anything!
Maybe i’ll just get a gift card… ;)
@Tracy…for the ones who insist, suggest small savings bonds. it’s traditional, it’s practical, it doesn’t add to the heap of trash piling up everywhere, and the baby can use it for college.
I can’t agree more. Over the past few years, we’ve been doing a name grab for our Christmas shopping in our family. I was trying to get to the point that we’re too old for really getting anything for brothers and sisters - let’s make Christmas about family and the kids.
It turned into a really tacky tradition where you handed the person buying for you a list of things you want. WTF! If I want something, I’ll buy it. I’d rather do a silly Yankee Swap with $20 gifts. The kids love it and we’re not just telling people what we want.
I think it’s women who have driven us down this lane. My wife will buy a Christmas gift for the neighbor’s dog (as well as all their children and the parents). When the hell did it become custom to buy every person you know something for Christmas?!?!?! Really stupid, really tacky, really moronic.
And when did it become a big deal to graduate from Middle School? Wow, you got through the eighth grade… big f’ing whoop. You’re ready to work at McDonald’s now. I can see giving some money to a high school grad who is going to college or going to be heading into the workplace, but middles school? Give me a break!
Spend more time with your family, and if it was up to me, birthday and holiday gift giving would end when someone reaches 13 or 15. Have a party and play some games instead.
Sorry for the rant…
Chuck-
I don’t see how wanting to give gifts to everyone an individual knows is “really stupid, really tacky, really moronic”. Expecting to receive gifts from everyone an individual knows is another story.
“I think it’s women who have driven us down this lane.”
*eyeroll*
It’s pretty much assumed that if you get invited to any of those events that it’s customary to bring a gift. If people put ‘no gifts please’ on the invitations it’s considered just as tacky, because it implies gifts were expected in the first place.
Then again, Jacob’s mom would have probably been on the phone all day, while she was simultaneously trying to prepare to host the party (prepare food, drinks, decorate, get everyone dressed), answering this question: “What does Jacob want for his birthday?”
What I think is kind of funny about the whole post, is that if she were writing about waitresses she would be emphasizing how important it is to tip them 15% or more. She would be talking about how unfair it is for waitresses to earn the wages they do and not receive their tip, and justifying when they give people who tip poorly bad service. But it’s not a tip if it’s expected, it’s a fee.
Events where I or my children will receive gifts totally stress me out. People buy them shitty plastic Wal-Mart toys and you can’t return them because they want to shred the packaging and break into the toy within 2 seconds so you just put them in the closet for like a month and then take them to the resale store. It’s not quite as bad if they buy from a list because at least it’s stuff we wanted to get anyways. But honestly, I like to be extremely discriminating about the stuff I allow into my life and getting “obligation” gifts doesn’t help me with that at all.
That said, the last wedding I attended included this line on the invite:
Your presence is the greatest gift,
No gifts please!
I didn’t think it was tacky at all, and the wedding was beautiful. Although I will admit to being a classless moron who couldn’t tell tacky from ticky…
I agree with V …
I absolutely hate Christmas, because it is a time of the year when the world expects me to give gifts to my family, friends, co-workers, and acquaintances; and I absolutely HATE that. Right now I have a little box of things next to my front door that I have purchased for various family and friends over the past week or so. I plan on giving them said gifts the next time I see them. I, like V, like to give presents to the people in my life whenever I notice something that I think they would like and I have the money to get it. Christmas has turned into such a horrible, money-grubbing tradition that I just want to hide until New Years.
“It’s pretty much assumed that if you get invited to any of those events that it’s customary to bring a gift. If people put ‘no gifts please’ on the invitations it’s considered just as tacky, because it implies gifts were expected in the first place.”
I know, but…how can both things be true? If it’s customary to bring a gift, then why is it tacky to specify “no gifts”? The two things cancel each other out.
Sarah, are you a Stay-At-Home-Mom who’s never been a waitress?
I hardly see how giving gifts is comparable to waiting tables. One of them is likely throwing an event for themselves, or someone that none of the guests have asked for. The other is serving people things that they want. Therefore, I see the point in tipping, moreso than gift-giving.
Kph, no idea why that is, but I’ve heard many people say that specifying ‘no gifts’ was rude and tacky as hell.
Al, I’m currently a SAHM but I did waitress before becoming a mother. It’s comparable because gifts at certain occasions are traditionally expected, as are tips for various service jobs in the US. In both situations they are obligations rather than what they are actually called, because they are expected. Both tips and gifts are suppose to be an extra, not a given.
On my mother’s birthday last year, I was living in Massachusetts. I would call once every Sunday, if I had time, but I took time out of crazy final-cramming to call her and wish her well and tell her I loved her.
Instead of a “Thank you for calling” I got berated for not sending a present instead.
I have never liked presents. Probably because watching my mother squander them makes me sick. My birthday’s coming up soon. Everyone’s asking me what I want. I told them that if they see something that makes them think of me, get it. Otherwise, I don’t want or need anything at all.
The best present I ever received was from someone I don’t really speak to anymore, unfortunately. We were never very close, but we did hang out on occasion. He got me something for my birthday and was coming over to drop it off. I told him it was really unnecessary and he shouldn’t have done that, but he insisted, saying he’d been holding on to it for weeks because he saw it at one of those outside tables in NYC and *had* to buy it because he knew I would love it.
It was a wind-up frog whose eyes bugged out when you wound him up and then he would suddenly hop and scare the shit out of you.
I did love it. And the fact that he thought of me weeks before my actual birthday and bought me something without feeling obligated made it that much better.
If we didn’t have all these stupid traditions our economy would fall. Retailers wait all year for Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Easter, Halloween, even MLK day! These retailers want us to feel obligated to buy presents for others for every fucking occasion even if we need to open 10 credit cards to finance it. I don’t begrudge gift giving because personnaly I love to see someones face when you give them something they really want but if you are living on welfare or have any type of credit card debt you should be making your gifts at home not opening another credit card. And nothing is more annoying them someone who “expects” a gift. Even if I was a multimillionaire I would never buy that person a thing. They can go fuck themselves.
“Kph, no idea why that is, but I’ve heard many people say that specifying ‘no gifts’ was rude and tacky as hell.”
I have no idea either.
I’m usually in favor of etiquette. I think of etiquette as being a tool to facilitate polite and gracious interactions, otherwise known as “good manners.” Etiquette provides a framework within which we can be decent to one another. However, a lot of people seem to define etiquette as “a bunch of useless, arbitrary rules that I can use to show how superior I am.”
I tend to think the “no gifts” things falls into the latter category. Following that rule doesn’t make our lives better, it makes them more annoying, which is fundamentally NOT what etiquette is all about.
I agree whole heartedly with V. However, why does every rant have to end up with the oh so fashionable America bashing? I’ve travelled the world and there are two ways to look like a jack-ass. One is to strut around like superior American. The other is to constantly bash your own friggin country in the hopes of lookly “worldly” and sophisticated. “I’m so friggin’ enlightened that I am not like my embarrassing countrymen.” Reminds me of a snotty 15 year old girl trying to distance herself from nerdy parents and bratty little brother.
- From the Ravings of the Psychomancer
Tips can be considered “extra” and “optional” when servers are paid at least minimum wage. As long as they are stuck at about $3 an hour, figure at least 15% for tip as part of the money you will need to eat in a standard sit down restaurant or eat at home.
servers are paid according to how much they receive in tips. if what they receive in tips + their salary does not amount to minimum wage, their salary is increased until it does equal minimum wage. And I’m sorry, but bad service DOES deserve a bad tip, because all bad service means is that the server is not doing their job.
A lot of servers are paid minimum wage and some are even paid more. It’s not the customer’s fault that the server chose to stay in a job where their rate of pay was so low, and it’s not the customer’s responsibility to make up for the server’s poor job choice.
If it’s mandatory that you pay 15% of the cost of your meal it should be listed as a ’server fee’ on the bill, rather than left up to the customer to decide if the service was worth 15%.
Sarah..Why are you so simple?
I have a custom now of having a small family-only get together at a nice restaurant the year after one of my kids has a big party, and when I send out e-vites to everyone, I include a small list of suggestions (including sizes, since I have two shopaholic sister-in-laws) specifically to cut down on the amount of time I have to spend with back & forth e-mails/phone time on the subject as my husband’s family is quite large and I don’t want to communicate with them any more than I have to. I would never presume to include a list, no matter how brief, in the invitations sent out to friends & neighbors for a big gathering.
I’m one of those tacky bitches who had a shower for my second baby, but in all fairness, it was because I had given away my crib, crib linens, changing table, baby bathtub, Exersaucer, toys, clothing, towels, high chair, stroller, bouncer, swing, and other things to people who needed them. I didn’t get lots of brand new things, I got a crib from one SIL, a stroller & travel system from another, and my MIL found a high chair and bouncer at a church garage sale and got them for me. I got a few new articles of clothing, but most people got me diapers, wipes, & Dreft. There’s a whole hand-me-down network in my family, so I was never lacking for clothes. The best present was one for my daughter, a book about being a big sister!
al- Sarah won’t be able to answer that question. Sue won’t either. They’re both simple morons.
I always tip, for me 10% means “you suck, but at least you showed up to work today.” That’s if the service sucked, not the factors that are out of the server’s control (slow kitchen, etc).
The one time I didn’t leave a tip at all was due to the most hellaciously bad service I have ever received, anywhere - the waitress did everything short of taking a shit on my plate, so no tip, and a talk with the manager was in order. If the service is really, really awful, then talk to the manager, don’t just withhold the tip.
I actually always tip, and tip rather well to boot. I do not tip, however, out of obligation or because I feel sorry for the waiter/waitress that is making less than minimum wage. I’m also very forgiving of mistakes, even if they are the waiter/waitresses fault. I understand what it’s like to work in a restaurant and I don’t expect them to be perfect, but I tip exceptionally well when they are perfect.
Just because I explained what the definition of a ‘tip’ was does not mean I do not tip. Just as V described what a gift was and how greedy it is to expect them, but talks about how she adores giving gifts to people. The only simple people here are the ones assuming things about people after only reading a few sentences of a comment.
LOL @ #34 illadia — True. But at least Sarah’s amusing. She’s trying so hard to justify herself to perfect strangers, and failing.
I greatly enjoyed this post. I’m the kind of person who prefers to give self-made presents, and many a friend and family member has gotten drawings, paintings, scarfs, etc. from me. Happily, the people in my life know better than to try that wish list/gift registry shit on me. For my bachelorette party, we went to a bar and drank. I got no presents, and I told them that I the best present was that they came and we had fun.
I didn’t have a wedding shower, as I had already been living with my soon to be husband, and we had everything that we needed. The only thing that we did do was specifically ask for money instead of presents at our wedding. But we had a practical reason for it: we had to fly back to Europe from the US afterwards, and there was just no room in our luggage for a whole bunch of presents. But we also stipulated that people were in no way required to bring a present, and that it would be gift enough for us if the joined us on our wedding day.
But I’m a freak like that. I grew up in a family where presents were not a given, and you’d better be appreciative of whatever you got. You should be happy that they thought of you and came to say happy birthday or whatever. Who cares about the presents???
Then again, my husband and I also plan on giving our children boxes and tissue paper for birthdays and Yule for the first several years of their lives. They’ll enjoy it more than any other gift you could buy for them!
Just found VA, and I love her. Him. Them. Whatever.
So I’m getting married in August after living together for five years. We have a house and all the stuff in the house, like the blender and the deep fat fryer and towels and plates and silverware and shit.
I told my fiance that I don’t want people to bring gifts to the wedding. In fact, we haven’t registered anywhere. Traditionally, gifts are to help the young bride and groom set up house. So… in light of this post, how in the world should I put it on my wedding invitations? “No gifts, please, we already have all the shit we need.”
Here’s what I’m thinking: I’m thinking of instead including “In Lieu of Gifts, Please Make a Donation to the Sacramento Children’s Home.” But this still makes it seem like gifts were expected.
Since I know that my guests are already in the mindset to buy a gift, I’d much rather let them know I don’t want anything and I’d rather– if they were planning on spending money at all on a gift– put that money to better use to buy shit for orphans and at risk youth.
What does VA think, I wonder. I’m desperate for her approval.
Mary — Your donation idea is lovely. People have done that before, and I see nothing wrong with it. Also, I’m sure it would get V’s stamp of approval (hah!),
I’m tired of getting invites to weddings of people I barely know. Or the mean boss’ kid is getting married and I’m expected to give a gift.
I actually feel the same way about tipping. If someone takes a job and gets paid for it why do I have to give them a ‘raise’ or ‘bonus’? I should have put a tip jar by my window when I was a receptionist at a doctor’s office. Tipping would have given them better and nicer service. LOL!
Tipping does alot of things, all of them important in the service industry. It aligns your performance and your remuniration into one solid vector. In old times, a servant’s well being was directly related to the generosity of their patron. So it is now, but most people dont have full time servants, so they have part time ones when they go to some establishments.
Dont like to drop a buck for a tip to the bartender? Then stay the hell home and pour your own beer, its cheaper anyhow. Make your own goddamn coffee, cook your own goddamn meals or eat at fast food places and the like. The well being of the people who are tipped employees depends on you. Thats why being nice and decent to your servers almost always guarantees great service (unless you serve a certain customer base, you know what I mean…). Its a luxury, having someone wait on you. Cant afford it? Cut it out.
And yeah, I wouldnt go to a wedding if I couldnt pick the bride or groom out of a police line up. Certainly wouldnt bring a gift. As a matter of fact, even as a spouse or SO, I wouldnt go to a wedding if I didnt know those involved. Thats not stricly true, I can see circumstances where I would go to a wedding without knowing the person, but its not a common or likely set of possibilities.
But if someone is too dumb to realize that youre really not close enough to that person to justify going to any efort of their behalf, its up to you to disabuse them of that notion.
Waiterrant.net is one of the most educational sites out there on the subject of tipping. (As a bonus, the author is an incredibly good writer.) Personally, I eat out very infrequently, so I consider it a luxury, so on a rare occasion when I do eat out, I tip out my ass and teach my kids to do the same. Heck I was even able to train my husband to give 20%. lol